1
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:45,471
<b>Ripped By mstoll</b>

2
00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,069
Right, Grasientus,
get this down.

3
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,194
Oh mighty Hadrian,

4
00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,915
I have just spent the most
miserable four weeks of my life

5
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:03,315
inspecting our borders
with Caledonia.

6
00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,715
It seems you've
instructed our engineers

7
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:09,639
to build a long stretch of stonework
right across the country.

8
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:13,878
Now if I didn't know better,
I'd say it was a wall.

9
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:17,543
Is the idea to continue
the wall all the way

10
00:01:17,555 --> 00:01:19,989
around Caledonia then
put a roof on it,

11
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,470
thereby making it the biggest
indoor toilet in the Empire?

12
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:27,991
One ludicrous rumour going round

13
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:31,430
is that you have built this wall
to keep out the Caledonians.

14
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:33,755
A tribe famous for
their ladders.

15
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:39,715
- What's this?
- It's a Celtic flute.

16
00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,354
- What's it doing in my office?
- Badvoc left it.

17
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,836
- What was Badvoc doing in my office?
- Playing the flute.

18
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,352
- What?
- Rather badly.

19
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,914
He seems to think it's a
percussion instrument.

20
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,758
You can probably see the
dents in the desktop.

21
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,552
How did Badvoc get
into my office?

22
00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,353
Just swanned in here as
if he owned the place.

23
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,231
But I have guards
guarding my villa.

24
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:03,352
Didn't they put up the slightest,
tiniest bit of resistance?

25
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:07,598
Indeed they did. They put up the
slightest, tiniest bit of resistance.

26
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,235
If Badvoc so much puts his foot
in my office one more time...

27
00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,589
Here you are. That's right.

28
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:16,632
- Morning, Badvoc.
- Aulus! Didn't know you were back!

29
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,672
- What's in the sack?
- It's a welcome back present.

30
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,030
It's a sack of the best local apples.
They're very special.

31
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,277
- What's special about them?
- Badvoc! Badvoc!

32
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,151
They talk.

33
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,509
- Talking apples?
- They're good for you.

34
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:34,269
- Keep the doctor away.
- They say things like "Keep away, doctor".

35
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,709
Take that sack and you
lot out of my office!

36
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:40,514
Out the way. I'm sorry, Aulus. Sit down.
It's entirely my fault.

37
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:44,872
I forgot you've had a very hard month
in Caledonia. Have you had a drink yet?

38
00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:46,512
- I haven't.
- Grasientus.

39
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:48,949
Get some wine for Aulus.
He's not had a drink.

40
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,558
- You relax.
- That's good.

41
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,238
- How was Caledonia?
- Terrible.

42
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:53,998
- Catch any salmon?
- I didn't.

43
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,871
- Good salmon fishing there.
- Yeah.

44
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:56,989
- Any grouse?
- No.

45
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,031
- Good grouse fishing there.
- Yeah.

46
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,834
- Now you just have a nice glass of wine.
- That's very kind.

47
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,838
- I need this.
- Relax, put your feet up, clear your mind.

48
00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:09,111
Don't worry about me and the boys.
Don't you worry about a thing.

49
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,355
- Thanks, Badvoc.
- It's my pleasure.

50
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,868
Bye, boys! Cheers.
Thanks for popping in.

51
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,359
What a nice guy.

52
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,831
Hang on, he's done it again!
He's stolen my wine!

53
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:27,190
He swanned in here, offered me my
own wine and now he's stolen it!

54
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:28,878
Don't let it get to you.

55
00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,957
Don't let it get to me, Grasientus?
I'm seething!

56
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,560
I just want to shout at him!
I want to hit him!

57
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:38,275
Yet when he's there I just don't
seem to be able to do it!

58
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:41,835
And then I find myself wanting
to take it out on other people.

59
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:46,396
That's quite normal to want to vent your
anger and frustration on innocent people

60
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,238
just because they happen
to be close at the time.

61
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,113
Oh, Grasientus, I knew
you'd understand.

62
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,718
Argh!

63
00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,836
Perhaps you're angry with Badvoc

64
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:03,395
because deep down you feel
unworthy to be governor.

65
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,557
Deep down you feel
inadequate to govern.

66
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:11,549
Deep down you feel impotent to
lead, incompetent to punish.

67
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,318
Right, that's enough, get out.

68
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:15,515
What?

69
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:19,519
I'm not paying to be called
inadequate, incompetent and impotent!

70
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,160
Let me put it more simply.

71
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:28,995
Deep down you don't understand
how Badvoc could fail to obey

72
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,270
such a natural
leader as yourself.

73
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:36,599
Someone who exudes superiority.

74
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,272
Someone who personifies
leadership.

75
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:43,675
Yes, that's more like it.
Carry on.

76
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:47,190
Let's talk a little
about your mother.

77
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:53,036
Were you frightened
by her breasts?

78
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,717
Not particularly, no.

79
00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:00,150
- As yet they were enormous.
- Average, I'd say.

80
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,993
- But surely they looked enormous.
- No.

81
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:08,158
They must have looked enormous
to, for example, a flea.

82
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:15,597
Yes, I suppose they
looked absolutely huge.

83
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:22,117
So... these absolutely huge breasts
of your mother haunt you still.

84
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,832
She didn't have big breasts.

85
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,792
And you've always resented
your mother for this.

86
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:29,274
Why are we talking about
my mother's breasts?

87
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,709
I don't know, perhaps
you're obsessed by them.

88
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,114
You brought them up!

89
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:39,358
Yes, but I've never sucked them
like some people round here.

90
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:45,399
Look, OK, let's just talk about my
inability to deal with Badvoc, shall we?

91
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:50,513
All right, have you
ever dreamt about him?

92
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,074
Yes. Only last night, in fact.

93
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,429
Good. Tell me about it.

94
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,233
Well, in the dream,

95
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,754
I can't sleep and I'm
lying in a dark room.

96
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,792
I hear these footsteps.

97
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,876
These heavy footsteps.

98
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,751
Coming up the corridor.

99
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,758
And then I hear this
deep inhuman growling.

100
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,358
- Stop!
- I haven't finished.

101
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,391
It's spooky, isn't it?

102
00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:21,033
I can't stand spookies.

103
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,478
Give me the creeps.

104
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:29,995
Have you any... Have you any
silly dreams like er...

105
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:34,318
You know, like going into the senate and
realising you haven't any clothes on.

106
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,749
Or thinking you're a sheep.

107
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:41,920
Look, you're supposed to be analysing my
feelings of inferiority towards Badvoc.

108
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:46,553
I am the boss around here, you know.
People bow at me in the streets.

109
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:48,955
24,000 soldiers follow me.

110
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:52,310
That huge bust in the
marketplace is of me.

111
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,634
That what in the marketplace?

112
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,877
- That huge bust!
- There you go again! Large breasts!

113
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,480
Shut up! Shut up!

114
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,715
Ah! Now you're being aggressive.

115
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:06,797
I wasn't being aggressive, I
was telling you to shut up!

116
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:10,389
- That's aggressive.
- No, no, no. That's assertive.

117
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,192
This is aggressive.

118
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,595
- Ooh!
- Guard!

119
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,154
Sir?

120
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,316
You're my head of security.

121
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,436
What's been going
on in my absence?

122
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:29,349
Last week, I had some of the neighbours
round to my place for a few drinks.

123
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:33,915
Is that all?

124
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,758
No, I had a cheese dip as well.
It was a great success.

125
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:41,078
Look, did Badvoc get up to
anything whilst I was away?

126
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:45,750
No. No. I had him followed. I followed him
personally. He didn't notice a thing.

127
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,234
- I was cleverly disguised.
- I'm sure you were.

128
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:51,750
- As a Cornish prostitute.
- A Cornish prostitute?

129
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:55,952
Yes, I've always rather fancied that
I was good with accents. Well...

130
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:03,678
Oo-er, oo-er, give us a bite
of your pasty, big boy. Oo-er.

131
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,996
And did you find anything out?

132
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:11,679
Yes. That Mungo's rather
an adventurous lover.

133
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,430
- What about Badvoc?
- No, he just wanted to talk.

134
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,358
Did he do anything illegal?

135
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,710
Yes, he broke into your
office and snooped around.

136
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:26,274
- For how long?
- About a fortnight.

137
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,788
He snooped around my
office for a fortnight?

138
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:33,311
Not continuously. He went on a fishing
trip to Mersea Island for three days.

139
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,557
And a very enjoyable
three days they were.

140
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:40,479
I am glad, yeah. Did he get hold
of any top secret documents?

141
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,273
No, it was mainly
mackerel and sprat.

142
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:44,958
Get out!

143
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,515
I think that four weeks away has
done you the world of good, sir.

144
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,516
Marvellous.

145
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,272
Right, quick, let's get
this sack open, come on.

146
00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:58,992
Quick!

147
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,190
Excuse me. What are
you doing here?

148
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,993
What am I doing in here?
What are you doing in here?

149
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:07,794
- I'm the guard from the main gate.
- Who's guarding the main gate then?

150
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,358
About time too!

151
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,311
This sack stinks!

152
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:17,669
Here, do you mind?
That's my best shirt.

153
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,916
- Have you got any food?
- Information first. What's been happening?

154
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,952
Well, for hours
nothing happened.

155
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:29,470
And then suddenly a dirty great
woodlouse crawled into my ear.

156
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,749
- No, what have you heard?
- Not a thing.

157
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,234
I've had a woodlouse in my ear.

158
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,270
Listen, Wolfbane,
no info, no money.

159
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,153
OK, Aulus has had a head
doctor in to see him.

160
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,760
He's cracking up and
he blames you for it.

161
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:48,112
Excellent. So just one more push to
finally send him to the madhouse.

162
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:51,550
We should put him on a rack and
slowly turn it an inch a day.

163
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:55,036
In two weeks he'd be screaming
in excruciating agony,

164
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,718
he'd be begging for mercy.

165
00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:58,751
He'd also be eight
foot tall, Mungo.

166
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,598
I don't want eight foot
tall angry Roman after me.

167
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,279
I don't believe it. Right!

168
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:05,548
- Badvoc!
- Ah!

169
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,478
- The very person I wanted to see.
- You're under arrest.

170
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,636
We're thinking of
having a dinner party.

171
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:13,399
- Nothing formal.
- I hereby sentence you to death.

172
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,432
- We thought it'd be nice if you came.
- Bring a bottle.

173
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,313
Did you hear that, Badvoc?
You're under arrest!

174
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:23,069
And you'll be decapitated
one week from today.

175
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,270
We'll bring the
dinner party forward.

176
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,758
May I ask exactly why he's
been sentenced to death?

177
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:36,069
Well, erm, for conspiracy to invite
the governor around to dinner.

178
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,193
- There's no such offence.
- There is now. Guard!

179
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,355
Yes, sir?

180
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,358
Arrest this disgusting piece
of filth and jail him.

181
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,436
- Yes, sir. Come on.
- Not that one.

182
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,000
- This disgusting piece of filth.
- Oh, sorry.

183
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:54,709
And the rest of you,
out, out, out, out, out!

184
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,478
- We could make it lunch.
- Out.

185
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:02,318
Aurus, I think you could be
making a terrible mistake.

186
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:05,796
No, Grasientus, I've never
felt so right in all my life.

187
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:09,469
Oh, I'm so happy. Come
here, Grasientus.

188
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:10,839
Argh!

189
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,717
What was that for? I thought
you got rid of your anger.

190
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,591
That wasn't anger, Grasientus.

191
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:18,870
That was... elation.

192
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:39,834
Course, you realise, Mungo,
that after my... execution,

193
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,629
you shall become
leader of our tribe.

194
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:45,716
I hadn't thought
about it, Badvoc.

195
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:48,752
It never crossed my mind
the situation would arise.

196
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,837
Thanks, Mungo. You're
a good friend.

197
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:55,316
I'd rather have you alive, Badvoc,
than inherit your kingdom.

198
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:59,797
Thanks, but nevertheless
I shall die.

199
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,751
And you shall inherit.

200
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:05,270
So I want you to have my
golden torc of office.

201
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:08,471
- No, Badvoc, please, keep it.
- Mungo, I want you to have it.

202
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,829
It should be buried
with you, great leader.

203
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:11,920
Thanks.

204
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:16,112
Besides, if it's too big he's had
another one made in his own size.

205
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,958
- Thanks, Blag - Well,
that's charming.

206
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,549
Listen, Mungo, you owe it to me.
I've been like a father to you.

207
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,797
That's true. You beat me up
and slept with my mother.

208
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:31,631
Do all those good times mean nothing?
Here, remember those two girls in Maldon?

209
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:33,910
- Yeah.
- They were goers, weren't they?

210
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,286
As I recall, one of
them was stunningly

211
00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:38,636
attractive and the other
was as ugly as sin.

212
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,398
Yeah, what a night, though!

213
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,398
- You ended up with the attractive one.
- Yeah, well...

214
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,317
- Then you had the ugly one.
- Well...

215
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,238
I spent five hours in the
rain looking after the horse.

216
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,789
That was a lovely-Iooking
horse, Mungo.

217
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,668
Aulus says I can be executioner.

218
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,756
- How could you?
- Well, it's a job, isn't it?

219
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:06,396
Listen, you two, you've got to help me.
You're my only friends in the world.

220
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:08,508
Please.

221
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,474
- All right, we'll do it.
- Thanks, Mungo.

222
00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,351
We'll get the
execution cancelled.

223
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,709
- Hang on, what about my job?
- Blag!

224
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:21,355
- Oh, all right.
- Thanks, Mungo. Good luck.

225
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,836
Thanks, Blag. Good luck.

226
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:33,909
I won't mince words with you, Aulus.
I'll get straight to the point.

227
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,076
I'm a proud man.

228
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,669
I'm proud to be British. I'm
proud to be a Trinovante.

229
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:42,314
I'm proud to be Badvoc's
second in command.

230
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:46,032
I despise Rome and
everything Roman.

231
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:47,672
Until this very moment

232
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:51,156
I never thought I could go down on my
knees and beg a Roman for anything

233
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,839
and yet that is what I now do.

234
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:58,759
I beg you, Aulus.

235
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:02,319
I beg humbly before
you on bended knees.

236
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:05,432
I beg you to spare
the life of Badvoc.

237
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,675
I'll eat the soil
off your floor!

238
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,991
- There is no soil on my floor.
- Blag.

239
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:21,798
I defile myself before
you, oh mighty Aulus.

240
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:26,356
I'll do anything for you or for
Rome if it will save Badvoc.

241
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,278
Aulus, I implore you!
Spare his life!

242
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,594
No.

243
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,550
Fair enough. You can't
say I didn't try.

244
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:38,110
Now listen, Aulus, I'll let
you have this soil for free.

245
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,709
But in future it's 50 sesterces
a trouserful, all right?

246
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:45,275
Oh, by the way. Now's the
time to get your daffs in.

247
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:52,834
Then after your execution,

248
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:55,838
when you're finally
gone from this world,

249
00:14:55,880 --> 00:15:00,396
your body will be transported
to the banks of the River Styx.

250
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:03,796
The grim and dismal
river of death.

251
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,472
And there you will wait

252
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:10,035
with all the other wailing
and tormented souls,

253
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:16,952
until it's your turn to be transported
to Hades by the ferryman.

254
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,199
Sounds horrific.

255
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,356
It is. It is.

256
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,756
But for just one bag of gold

257
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:29,635
I can get you a priority
booking on the Stygian ferry.

258
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,831
No hanging around,
straight across to hell.

259
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:37,350
You won't like hanging around
with all those dead people.

260
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,630
Listen, is there
only one ferry then?

261
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:44,959
Yes, one ferry that endlessly
goes across the Styx.

262
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,399
Why don't they build a tunnel?

263
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:50,353
Well, they've been talking
about it for years but...

264
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:55,151
Now listen, Wolfbane, if you
get me off this execution,

265
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,668
I will let you have...

266
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,869
all my buried treasure.

267
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:04,549
Pff! Do you expect me to believe
that you've got buried treasure?

268
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:07,512
And that if you did have you'd
give it to me if I get you off?

269
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:11,030
There's only one way to find
out, isn't there? Get me off.

270
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:14,993
But I know what a lying
bastard you are, Badvoc.

271
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:18,032
And I know what a greedy
bastard you are, Wolfbane.

272
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,911
Done.

273
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:36,155
Ooooo! Oooo!

274
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,910
I am the ghost of next week!

275
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:45,869
I have rushed across the
spectral plains of time

276
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:49,549
to utter a warning
to Aulus Paulinus!

277
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,750
Ooooo! Argh!

278
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:58,555
Next week, of which
I am the ghost,

279
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,398
I saw an unhappy man.

280
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,635
It was Aulus Paulinus.

281
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:08,196
He was sad because he had
done a foolish thing.

282
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,879
He executed Badvoc.

283
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,876
Ooooo!

284
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:19,758
And now there is bloodshed,
bloodshed, yes, bloodshed!

285
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,588
That's like cowshed only red.

286
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:29,793
The Romans and Britons are fighting
a bloody war against each other.

287
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:35,915
Everyone will die,
even Aulus Paulinus!

288
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,359
Ooooo!

289
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,834
Nice try, Wolfbane.

290
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,311
Shit!

291
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:51,109
Ah, boys! How did you get on? What
did he say? Tell me. Tell me.

292
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,674
- Good news and bad news.
- What's the good news?

293
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,790
I still got the job!

294
00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:59,196
I see. What happened?

295
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,118
I did my best, Badvoc, honest I did.
I used sincerity.

296
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:04,796
- You used sincerity?
- Yeah.

297
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:08,432
What did you have to go and
use sincerity for, Mungo?

298
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:12,029
Why didn't you use something you're
good at like deceit or violence?

299
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,911
I offered him some free soil.

300
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,839
- And you offered him some free soil?
- Yeah!

301
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:23,714
- And that failed to clinch my release?
- Yeah.

302
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,718
What a granite heart
Aulus must have,

303
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:30,673
to remain unswayed by a complimentary
trouserful of Blag's soil.

304
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,710
And that on top of sincerity

305
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:37,833
offered by Mr
Shifty-two-faced-sell-his-own-mother here.

306
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,269
Wolfbane, excellent.
How did you get on?

307
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,073
Well, I went into his
bedchamber while he was asleep.

308
00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:47,238
And I put on a white sheet and I
pretended to be the ghost of next week.

309
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,358
- And Aulus didn't fall for that?
- No!

310
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,198
And I waggled my arms
and I went Woooh!

311
00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:00,316
It sounds foolproof
to me, Wolfbane.

312
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:03,113
Yeah! I even had Ghost
written across here.

313
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:07,192
- Wonder where you went wrong?

314
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:13,872
Yes?

315
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,433
Badvoc...

316
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:17,992
I made a silly mistake.

317
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:19,792
I got angry and I overreacted.

318
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:24,755
And I've come here to tell you that
I'm sorry and the execution is off.

319
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,638
Is that all?

320
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,393
Sorry?

321
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:35,831
You swan in here with your apologies and
expect that to be an end to the matter?

322
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:40,112
Six whole days I've been in this
cell awaiting certain death.

323
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:44,278
It must have been dreadful but now at
least you know you're not going to die.

324
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:48,029
Oh, that's makes it better, does it?
I think that makes it worse.

325
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:51,470
Six days thinking I was going to die
to be told I'm not going to die!

326
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:52,873
That is a living hell!

327
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:58,795
- I thought you'd be pleased.
- No, I am displeased in the extreme.

328
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:02,196
Displeased by the fact that because
you're such a weak leader,

329
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:04,515
you make stupid,
unthinking mistakes!

330
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:06,357
Don't you talk to me like that!

331
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,790
- No wonder you need a head doctor!
- Right, that does it.

332
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,751
The execution is back on!

333
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:15,998
Oh, it's on now, is it? On, off, on, off.
Make up your bloody mind!

334
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:20,079
Right! Tomorrow! 11 o'clock!
You die!

335
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,680
You're so indecisive!
Get your act together!

336
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:27,670
- How did you get on?
- No problem. I talked him round.

337
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,358
It's on!

338
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:40,879
Mungo...

339
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,911
Badvoc, how are you?
Looking well.

340
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:47,272
- What's that you're wearing?
- It's your tribal chieftain gear.

341
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,356
You could have waited
till I was dead.

342
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,551
Straight after this I've got to
attend my first public engagement.

343
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,398
- Oh yeah, what's that?
- It's a funeral.

344
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,000
Oh.

345
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,033
Very disappointing turnout.

346
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,629
They're whipping an adulteress
in Colchester this afternoon.

347
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,113
Course, yeah.

348
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,869
Souvenirs! Get your souvenirs here!
Get your execution souvenirs here!

349
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,753
Wolfbane! You're a
disgusting specimen.

350
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:16,588
This is quality merchandise. Look at these.
Badvoc execution dolls.

351
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,995
Before and after.

352
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:23,431
- I'm going home.
- Next prisoner approach.

353
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:29,470
Let the execution commence.
Lead the prisoner to the block.

354
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:32,637
The executioner will put on
the ceremonial death cap.

355
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:37,712
I can't see nothing!
I've gone blind!

356
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,274
You're supposed to put
it on my head, you prat.

357
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:45,713
Sorry, Badvoc, I'm nervous, you see.
This is my first decapitation.

358
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:47,637
Mine too, funnily enough.

359
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:52,549
Ha ha! Very good! Good old
Badvoc joking to the very end.

360
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,830
Shut up and chop my
head off, you fat git.

361
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:59,553
No, wait. I want
to say something.

362
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:06,795
People of Britain, as I stand
here today on the shores of life,

363
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:10,116
gaze over the inky sea of death,

364
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:14,556
I look back at my life and
ask, was it worth it?

365
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:19,352
Or was it a waste? I don't know.

366
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,516
But what I do know is this.

367
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,836
That I want every Briton
present here today

368
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,599
to make damn sure that
my death is not a waste.

369
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,593
I want my death to be a birth.

370
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,552
A birth of fierce
anti-Roman feeling.

371
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,194
A birth of renewed Celtic pride.

372
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:41,518
A birth of war, of revolt, of rebellion
against these odious oppressors

373
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:45,235
who have trampled on us and wrecked our
land, our history and our culture!

374
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:49,956
Today I die but I die so
that others may live.

375
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:53,878
Marvellous speech.

376
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,030
- Total bollocks, of course.
- Oh yes.

377
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,278
But very moving.

378
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:02,197
Cut off his head!

379
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:12,156
<i>That programme was shown as
a tribute to Rory McGrath,</i>

380
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:17,433
<i>who died earlier this year in an
accident while filming this series.</i>

381
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:24,195
<i>In next week's episode, the part of
Badvoc will be played by Bonnie Langford.</i>

382
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:30,792
<i>Howard Lew Lewis is currently
facing charges of manslaughter.</i>

383
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,948
<i>So for the rest of the
series the part of Blag will</i>

384
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:39,960
<i>be played by Elizabeth Taylor</i>.
<b>Ripped By mstoll</fo